The Life of A Batty Broad

Good Intentions, Flawed Results

Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Woman

Lately I have been experiencing something that I will refer to as the “wait, what?” phenomena.  Apparently the public at large has received word that I need to be taken down a peg or two so as to reduce the size of my large head.  And by large head, I don’t mean large because “I’m full of myself” head.  No, I actually kind of have a large head.  But I digress.confused-meme

 

The first incident occurred when I went to see my doctor.  He had performed surgery on me  a few months back and this was a follow-up visit.  Doctor visits are not exactly my favorite thing.  They have to poke and prod in places I would rather forget that I have but at my age it just a fact of life that I must go and accept that my orifices must be explored.  During this visit and while exploring said orifice my doctor announces the following: “Wow, you could drive a truck up there”.  Wait, what?!  He was pretty self-satisfied too.  Like he had just created a pathway likened to the Lincoln Tunnel but with the deft artistry of Michelangelo.

doctortoon

If you could have been in the room you would have witnessed my wonderful doctor with his headlamp and tools and a self-satisfied grin and me trying not to look pained physically and emotionally.  The only thing saving this moment from being any worse was that this doctor was my ENT doctor and not my gynecologist.shutterstock_156779312

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the next “wait, what?” moment occurred today when I went to do the thing that I dread almost as much as getting a pap smear or a root canal.  I had to go to the DMV to get my new license photo.  The only reason I went was because my husband kept harassing me to get it done since I was driving around on an expired license.  It was only over due by a few days and I hadn’t had time to work out or lose the 40 pounds I intended to lose before getting my new picture taken.  Men just don’t understand these things.  He insisted that it was more important to have a license that was valid then an expired license with a picture that I find “okay”.  It also doesn’t help that I just had a birthday and after 40 each year seems to accumulate more of the things I’m trying to avoid at an exponential rate (wrinkles, excessively dry skin, sagging, etc,).  So I RELUCTANTLY got myself as dolled up as possible at my age without looking like the town hooker, and headed off to pose for my mug shot.

shutterstock_103136951

Things started off well, no lines, the guy at the counter was friendly, so I was starting to get that anticipatory  “it will soon be over” feeling.  Now I have to tell you that I had spent a few moments doing my “practice” face.  You know what I’m talking about.  I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my face from different angles, posing and smiling to see what would make me look less grotesque.

Well sir I kinda just DON T GIVE A   about _3ef3e997eca2533efba61372621ca992

This is the sure sign that you are getting older.  You stop trying to figure out which pose makes you look cute and start trying to figure out which pose hides your double-chin.

The guy behind the counter tells me to sit down and look at the camera.  On the camera is a conveniently placed smiley face, so you know where to look, which I’m pretty sure is mocking me.  It looks like less of a smile and more of a smirk.

images (2)

He tells me that I can smile if I want but I have practiced my smiling poses and there was a little too much of a resemblance to Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”.  So I decide on the coy, but still friendly, half smile.  If I get pulled over I want the police officer to think that I’m friendly, right?   So I get myself situated and strike my pose and he presses some button on the computer keyboard to capture the image.  He then points at the monitor near me and says you can look at the picture there and see if it’s okay.

shutterstock_123638278

So I’m relieved.  We are almost done.  It wasn’t as painful as I thought.  Or so it seemed.  As I’m staring at the computer monitor waiting to see if the new picture will horrify me, the guy says: “Oh we have to take it again, the camera doesn’t like your face”.

crying

Wait what?!  I think he realized that I might just break his stupid camera with it’s smirking “have a nice day” sticker on it because he laughed and said: “Oh I mean it doesn’t like the way you are holding your face”.  Nice.  I’m pretty sure he is lying now and that his camera really doesn’t like my face but I have to get this stupid picture taken or I won’t be able to face my husband.

The next picture that he takes actually works but I look angry…gee I wonder why.  So we take two more and we finally get one where I don’t look crazy or angry and apparently the camera likes my face enough to produce a picture that is acceptable to the state of Pennsylvania.   I don’t have to take another picture for a license until 2015 and I’m going to be prepared for that picture.  I’m hiring a professional photographer and someone who mastered in air brushing  to help me out.  If the camera didn’t like my face now it’s not going to like it any better 4 years from now.

rage_guy_girl_by_rober_raik-d4cwdtnActual Photograph

I don’t know what is going on lately but I’m starting to develop a complex here.   This old lady could use a compliment once in awhile.  The constant look of embarrassment and shock as a result of these experiences is starting to form lines that will require plastic surgery to remove.  So if you happen to run into me I would like to request that you try not to insult me.   You don’t really want me to end up looking like this do you?

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane

You have been warned.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on February 24, 2011 by in Weekly Post and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

Navigation

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 4,500 other followers

Follow The Life of A Batty Broad on WordPress.com

Batty Tweets

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Batty Pics

#notatall #misterrogers #misterrogersneighborhood #galactica is amazing #arroyosecoweekend
Dr. Margaret Rutherford

Helping You Believe in Yourself

musicmisery

What came first, the music or the misery?- Nick Hornby

Unbound

unraveling one chapter at a time

Just Alyssa

...everything you need to know about Alyssa Royse, and a lot of stuff you don't...

Mi vida en Ecuador

Angela'sadventuresenecuador

Bonnie Jean Feldkamp

Good humor. Good heart. Good stories.

That Awkward Mom

Just a blog about the insanity of motherhood (and life in general) - the good, the bad and the awkward.

Ineluctable Entelechy

the inescapable drive from potentiality to actuality

Meaningful Derangement

Just another WordPress.com site

Kranky Kitty

the cantankerous cat to love/hate

Mandy Brasher

Good Intentions, Flawed Results

My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog

A writer's life, bare-knuckled, with a soundtrack.

Marvellaland

Essays on memoir, music, and more from Beatrice M. Hogg

Bird-day, and other little quirks

Insanity, that's the only thing that can describe it.

The Frazzled Foodie

seeking solutions for the conflicted cook...

carpoolgoddessblog

4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

books is wonderful

the world according to me

hoosiermandy

A Cautionary Tale from a Midwestern Mother of Mayhem

lynnecobb

Some random ramblings...

The Worthington Post

Life. Liberty. Happiness.

the dustbunny chronicles

the tales and other stuff hiding under my kitchen table

Lost in Suburbia

based on the syndicated humor column by Tracy Beckerman

Friend For The Ride

Encouraging Words for the Menopause and Midlife Roller Coaster

After the Kids Leave

First, we rent out their rooms...

The Shitastrophy

Massive Messups, Fucked Up Situations And Epic Fails

Barb Best

Follow the Funny with Award-Winning Comedy Writer Barb Best

Christine Nolfi

Heartwarming and Inspiring Fiction

%d bloggers like this: