The Life of A Batty Broad

Good Intentions, Flawed Results

Honey, We Have a Porn Problem

The Batty Broad is a busy woman.  I’m a mover and also a shaker.  I get things done!  I make things happen, baby!  I’ve been trying to find the guy who does the “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” introduction at Monster Truck Rallies to follow me around and introduce me.  I think it should go something like this: Ladies and Gentleman – I present to you the master of multi-tasking, the oracle of organizing, the empress of efficiency, the battiest of broads….THE BATTY BROAD!  (the crowd goes wild, applause, applause, applause).

Occasionally, okay so more often than occasionally, my multi-tasking is abruptly halted by a completely unforeseen and unpredictable “situation”.  Now if you talk to the Batty Broad’s husband (who hence forth will be referred to as (TM) The Man – No, not The Man as in “The Man is bringing me down” but more like The Man as in “He is THE MAN!” which of course he is), he would tell you that it’s far more frequent then I am alluding to and maybe not so unforeseen and unpredictable.  But this isn’t his blog so he will just have to sit by and be “right” in silence.  It’s okay, he’s used to it.

When these completely unforeseen and unpredictable “situations” occur, the Batty Broad often requires the assistance of TM to diagnose and/or resolve the aformentioned “situation”.  Hey when you are moving AND shaking, you don’t have time to stop and fix every little troublesome issue that just appears out of nowhere.  Fortunately TM actually is “The Man” and has been able to handle these teeny, tiny, little problems that seem to plague me.

One such problem occurred when the Batty Broad was just trying to perform her motherly duties and buy her eldest daughter some new soccer cleats.  In an effort to save the 2 hours round trip driving time to locate and purchase this item, I decide the more efficient method was to just go online and purchase them to be shipped to our house.  I thought this would take me about 15 minutes as I knew the store that I was going to purchase them from and the brand and size that I needed.  Fifteen minutes and I can check this off my list .  Well, that was the way it was supposed to happen.

In my zeal to accomplish this task (maybe I can get this done in ten minutes!), I forgot one little tiny thing.  I forgot to look up the name of the website.  I assumed that the website name was probably a short version of the actual store name.  So without stopping to think about it, I typed in the name of the store in the web brower – http://www.dicks.com.

As soon as I hit enter, I realized my mistake.  The magnitude of this mistake was apparent to me about 3 seconds later.  When the Batty Broad was ASSAULTED (I believe it was more like aggravated assault) with a website and pop up windows which cannot be described without using words which might make the Batty Broad’s mother show up and wash her mouth out with soap.  But lets just say that there were lots of naked men and women doing things that I’m fairly certain are illegal in most states and unfortunately were accompanied by sounds that I didn’t know human beings could actually make.

Under normal circumstances this would cause a moment of disgust and horror and maybe the need to perform a pseudo-religious eye cleansing.  Under normal circumstances closing the offending window would eliminate the problem and we could pretend that this NEVER happened.  Under normal circumstances. But if you follow this blog regulary, you know nothing NORMAL ever happens to the Batty Broad.  So when I reached for the mouse with my free hand while trying cover both my eyes and ears with the other hand to close the window, I was unprepared for what would happen.

Apparently, unbeknownest to the Batty Broad, these types of websites will SPAWN other websites when you try to close them.  It’s like a porn hatchery.  Your computer is now the breeding ground of porn sites.  Delightful.  So our family computer has become it’s own little porn store complete with a soundtrack. After the Batty Broad has stopped running around throwing things at and on the computer monitor and trying to figure out how to turn off the sound without unplugging everything, it becomes clear that TM must be called. Sigh.

BB: Hey Honey
TM: Hey, what’s up?
BB:  Um, we have a problem
TM:  drawing in a deep breath: Okaaay, what is the problem
BB: Well we have a porn problem
TM: silence
BB:  Hello? hello? – did he hang up?
TM:  I’m afraid to ask this but what do you mean that we have a “porn problem”?
BB:  There is porn and it’s all over our computer and it’s hatching, actually breeding more porn and there are sounds and it’s gross and I can’t make it stop.  MAKE IT STOP!
TM:  Why am I still surprised when you call me and tell me things like this?
BB:  I don’t know, it’s not my fault!  What do I do?  Fix it, fix it!
TM:  Okay, calm down and explain to me what happened
TM listens as the Batty Broad explains the whole ordeal including the fact that I have now developed a twitch in my eye from the dealing with evil porn spawning computer.

After establishing that there is nothing that can be done until TM gets home and can begin to restore the computer back to it pre-porn state, the Batty Broad decides to go lie down and try to restore herself to a pre-porn state instead.

TM was able to remove the breeding ground of porn and all it’s progeny from our family computer . I’m fairly certain that I heard some power tools; a priest performing an exorcism and the smell of incense but TM isn’t revealing his secrets.

The Batty Broad is still suffering from porn induced PTSD but I think with a little more therapy and a lot more wine, the whole incident will become a distant and not-so-fond memory.  By the way, in case you are in need of actual sporting goods – it’s Dicks Sporting Goods (www.dicksportinggoods.com).  They have great stuff and are “porn free”.

You have been warned.

The Batty Broad

7 comments on “Honey, We Have a Porn Problem

  1. cute pictures
    April 15, 2011

    neat design here. did you download this of the internet or was it custom made? I haven’t this seen design ever before so that’s why I’m asking..

    • mickimarca
      April 16, 2011

      It’s one of the templates that comes with WordPress. It’s called Bueno

  2. interesting facts
    April 16, 2011

    Good way of puttin it..

  3. interesting facts
    April 20, 2011

    Greeting from Canada! awesome blog here my friend. I hope you keep writing because it’s nice to see refreshing styles such as yours

    • mickimarca
      April 20, 2011

      Thanks! Make sure to recommend it to your friends!

  4. The GypsyNesters
    April 26, 2014

    Reminds us of the funny scene in Love Actually, same thing happens and there’s no way to get rid of them. Now that I think of it, it might only be in the special features of the DVD.

    • abattybroad
      April 26, 2014

      I haven’t seen that but now I will have to go watch!

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