Good Intentions, Flawed Results
Dear Designers of Women’s Summer Attire –
Let me start out by saying that you clearly have no idea what looks good on an actual woman. Not those mannequins that you have somehow discovered how to animate so they look like people (aka models) but real, live women. You know those women who weigh more than 70 pounds and don’t wear negative sizes? THOSE women. We want you to go back to your little pad of paper and pick up your drawing pencil and use the eyes that God gave you to design something that is wearable, comfortable and doesn’t make us dread leaving the house. Put on your thinking cap and design something useful. Is that so much to ask?
I know most women dread bathing suit shopping but I dread shopping for shorts. Finding shorts that fit, are comfortable and aren’t 3 sizes bigger than you normally wear is my greatest challenge of every summer since I was 15. It’s like the rubik’s cube of fashion. Just when I think I have it figured out, I realize that it’s an exercise in futility. It is more likely that I could successfully climb Everest than find a pair of shorts that doesn’t make me feel like I should profusely apologize to everyone who I happen upon while wearing said shorts.
If you have no butt, no hips and flat abs then you will have the world at your feet in the shorts arena. If you do have the aforementioned butt, hips and belly, then good luck and here’s a months supply of Xanax for you. Here are some of the options available to you for warm weather fashion hell:
1. Vag Shorts – I don’t know about you but I kind of like to keep my privates, private. I mean I don’t see the necessity of shorts with built in air conditioning and frankly I don’t want to see your vag either, but apparently vag exposing shorts are a fashion “choice” for summer. You can thank me later for not buying these
2. The “I have the body fat of a two year old” Shorts – Sure these looked great on me once. I think I was about 6 years old at the time and pretty much everything looked good on me. Now they look like I’m attempting to stuff sausage in a semi-attractive casing. Sausage that you might look at and think “what the hell happened here?” and then toss in the garbage.
3. The “I Want to Emphasize My Saddlebags” Shorts – I’m not sure who these alien women are that don’t hate their thighs but they must corner the market on these shorts because I see them everywhere. I don’t know about you but I don’t want pockets on the outside of my thighs. I mean why not go all the way and put some pockets on my inner things as well. You could call them kangaroo thighs and sell them with a box of tissues for the tears of shame they will inevitably cause.
4. The “Military Green Brings Out My Cellulite” Cargo Shorts – I am thoroughly confused by this fashion option. Personally I am not hiding from the enemy in the jungle so I am not sure why this particular color is such a prevalent option in women’s clothing. There is nothing flattering about a color primarily developed to hide from the Viet Cong. The only thing you can hope to achieve is to look like you are in need of a Hep-B vaccination. Then there is the fact that no woman on the planet wants to wear anything referred to as “cargo”. We have enough cargo of our own thanks, we don’t need any added to our shorts.
5. The “Screw It I’ll Just Wear Shorter Pants” Capri’s – After the exhaustive search for some semblance of summer wear that won’t make people mock you fails, you succumb to the fashion paradox known as the “capri pant” or “capri short”. There is no clear agreement on what the actual definition of a capri is and even less agreement on whether they look good on anyone over 12 years old. I’m pretty sure that the last woman to look good in capri’s was Audrey Hepburn. Since she can only be described as “waifish” you get my consternation over capri’s being my only real option for summer wear. Also, my ankles are the only thing that is comfortable which defeats the whole purpose of shorts in the first place.
Summer fashion designers you have failed us. Unless you would like us to bring back the muumuu, you better get your act together and fix this situation.
You have been warned…
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