The Life of A Batty Broad

Good Intentions, Flawed Results

I Am Wonder Woman

I have a confession.  I. am. Wonder. Woman.  It’s true.

It shouldn’t be that hard to believe.  I mean besides my clearly Amazonian tendencies, my ability to get people to tell me the truth and my bullet deflecting wrist cuffs (okay I don’t really have that last one), it’s obvious isn’t it?  I mean I have changed over the years.  My crime fighting uniform fits a little differently –

Having a bad hair day

Having a bad hair day

and some areas are not in “crime fighting” shape as they once were –

Can't a girl get some crime fighting spanx?

Can’t a girl get some crime fighting spanx?

But the biggest problem isn’t the size of my ass or my diminishing waistline.  Once I was called a Wonder now I just spend all of my time wondering.  You know, like “I wonder why I walked into this room?” because I swear to all that is holy I walked in here with a purpose not more than 10 seconds ago.  Forget not being able to find that damn invisible plane (I mean seriously how the hell does one find an INVISIBLE plane), I can’t find my mind or apparently my car keys.  I think they might be in the same place.  I wonder where that is?

The kids just look at me like I'm crazy

The kids just look at me like I’m crazy

I wonder where I put that envelope that I needed to mail and how I forgot “fill in the blank relative’s name” birthday when it was on the calendar that I forgot to turn to the next month.  I wonder what month it is or day or day of the week.  It’s Friday right?  In my mind it’s always Friday.  I wonder where that piece of paper I wrote something down on (but I can’t remember what) but it was “really important and I probably needed to do it yesterday” is currently located.  I wonder why they don’t make GPS for everything you own in life.

I swear I put it right here!

I swear I put it right here!

Every time I go to Target I wonder where I parked my car.  I swear that someone moves it when I go into the store.  Someone call Ashton Kutcher and tell him to come out and stop punking me. I wonder what I came into the store to buy and I wonder where my list of items I was going to buy at said store is currently located.  I wonder why, when I come home from the store, the most important thing I needed to buy is the one thing I forgot.  I wonder how much gas money I am spending because 3 trips to the store is the necessary amount to get everything on the list.

Seriously though, where is my car?

Seriously though, where is my car?

I wonder who is screwing with my scale.  I can’t possibly weigh that number!  I can still (grunt) fit (grunt, grunt) into the dress I wore in high school (riiiip).  I wonder who shrunk my dress?!  I wonder where those pants are that I swear I just wore and hung up in the closet.  I wonder why I found them under the bed even though I know I didn’t put them there.  Who is moving my clothes?  Someone here is trying to make me think I am LOSING MY MIND!

You LIE!

You LIE!

 

I often wonder who I just talked to and what their name is.  Joe, right?  Oh, sorry I know that you just told me that your name was Rajesh two minutes ago.  I mean there’s a J in Rajesh so easy to mix it up, right?  On occasion I wonder what my name is.  Hahahaha of course I know my name kind stranger (because I don’t remember yours), please don’t call the looney bin.    As I’m yelling – I AM NOT CRAZY – and laughing, I am wondering if the kind stranger is backing away to report me to the authorities.

I wonder if I will "be back soon"?

I wonder if I will “be back soon”?

 

I am still wondering where my keys are located.  I could probably find the stupid invisible plane if only I could find my keys (maybe I left it at Target?).  DAMMIT where are my friggin’ keys?  Wait, now where is my phone?  I had it a minute ago.  Somebody call my phone, I can’t find it!  Crap, it’s on vibrate.  I wonder if I left it in the laundry room – nope.  Here, let me put this down…oh there it is IN MY HAND!  I have a text message, but I need my reading glasses…and  I wonder where the hell they are.  On top of my head?  Well of course they are.  Sigh.

So if you see me wandering around looking bewildered and/or lost, just remember that I am Wonder Woman.  You have been warned.

 

2 comments on “I Am Wonder Woman

  1. blackinkpad
    June 23, 2014

    I am often heard saying, “Who am I and where did I park the saucer?”

    • abattybroad
      June 23, 2014

      hahaha…we must meet in person and make trouble and then forget what happened. Deal?

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